I Do Hear You Fight

I can tell its been a rough week 

My socks told me through their gaping holes

And my toes are raw from 

Curling

Curling 

Curling

Every time I hear them fight through the bookshelf

I never touch those novels 

Surely they are infested with every word of malice that passed through them

Each book a conduit of crude language

Each page stained with words most would regret saying

But regret is not welcomed in my sad home

Apoligies are non existent

The temperature is never right in my house 

But my thermostat works fine

Somehow it's my moms fault it's always "broken"

Perhaps if you opened your damn eyes you could see that you are wearing three jackets

Dinner isn't cooked which means the ear plugs are coming out of their box

A note on the fridge lets my "parents" know I've gone on a walk

When really, I lay down in my bed

Frantically searching my brain for every recipe I could ever remember

Remembering is hard when you purge it every night

And Bulimia is a common practice in my home

Perhaps that's the cause of the wretched smell

It's either new socks or bare feet

Too many broken 

Glasses 

Hearts 

Promises

Line the floor 

Every step would cut my tender feet

And as I get the courage to walk through it all

Walk to freedom 

I realize I am already on my way to the store

To buy more of the stupid socks 

 

An Incredibly Biased But Accurate Autobiography

I am the kid who always appears angry in the halls

It's because I am thinking

About him and her and me and probably you too 

I'm just asleep behind the glassy eyes

Wrinkled forehead

And slanted eyebrows 

So please please wake me up 

I still raise my hands when I go over speedbump's because it lets me know I'm still trying

And love, in times like these all you can do is try 

I have the hardest time dealing with myself 

All I want to do is take care of every student at Lone Peak

Because everyone deserves to have their eyes wrinkle from a smile 

Everyone deserves to feel the sun in their chest

But I am too scared to try and talk to the "cool kids"

And it's hard because I know some of them need it 

And I have never made it to student council so somehow I feel ineligible to talk to strangers 

I'm the kid who lays in bed with my phone flashlight on because I am scared of what's in my closet 

And I am also hoping the bottom of the top bunk will tell me how to solve it all 

But nothing has come yet

I'm the kid who wears too many layers 

And I am sorry if that bothers you 

But there is something about having my coat collar zipped all the way up 

Something in the way it holds me 

And I actually feel safe 

Safe from the yelling

The hate

The eyes 

And especially the emotion 

Plus it covers my acne 

It makes me feel like a sore thumb in alpine 

"land of the perfect"

I don't make eye contact because it scares the hell out of me

I hate to swear but that's the only way I can explain it 

Girls scare me

So badly

They are like ISIS 

I don't really know what they are about

But I know they are powerful 

I always try to hug and kiss my siblings

They sadly push me away every time cause that's "gross" and "we're too old to kiss on the cheek"

But to me, cheeks are the most loving

Cause they catch all the tears of sadness

I am a failure at expressing my emotions any other way than tickling your ear and grabbing your fingers 

Sorry 

I'm sorry I bug you 

I won't tell you the real reason I wear rings 

Firstly because I don't want to

Secondly because you don't care

Thirdly I have trust issues that stemmed from childhood betrayal 

And fourthly because it's simply too personal 

I am hypochondriatic which is a problem

Because my eyes keep hurting and that means I probably have a growth on the back of them 

Which in turn means I can't read your posts 

And a trip to the hospital is useless because it's too late to save me 

And this paper cut

Could be an open vessel for Ebola which my dad may have 

He travels 200 days of the year for business

So maybe he cheats on my mom

And perhaps this stomach ache of mine is actually acid erosion

And there is no way that is rain tapping on my window 

It's definitely a burglar 

So even though I'm 17 and it's 2:00 AM

Dad your coming to my room 

Maybe I'm overthinking things 

Probably not 

I read poetry in class as often as I can but before I go you'll see me check my pulse

It's at about 190

And there are football players in my class

And I have never had so many eyes on me 

Which is what everyone seems to want

I ably want to bloodshot ones

Cause those are the ones who actually care

And don't judge me 

I wish I could have been as great as the top five writers 

But that's one of my greatest problems 

I'll never measure up

It seems I write my best poetry in my sleep/dreams

But my mind isn't s pen and pad

Like theirs is 

Which leads me to describe the kid I am who has absolutely no self confidence 

I only post first drafts because I feel like anything else is not raw enough

Not real enough 

I'm painfully shy and people think I am mean

Which makes me sad

I'm a lost writer 

I'm an emotional wreck

I'm an older brother 

And proud of that

I'm feeding plants and dogs so one day I'll be ready for kids

But not any time soon

They would have days of hunger at least twice a week 

I'm quirky and i want the whole world to know

Because I am proud to be me 

And if any of you were patient enough to read this whole thing I congratulate you

You'll need to exercise that virtue a bit longer 

And to those who skipped down from the top

I hope one day you'll write and read with the same vigor you eat and breathe with 

Because when you get there 

You'll understand why my posts are so long

-Alice S. 

Vertigo

I hate endings like I hate the hangnails on my every finger

Like I hate the way he looks at here with a sadistic Cheshire smile

And this night feels a bit empty 

Not only because the incongruences in word and action have let me fallow

But because my shoes don't have feet to put in them

And my socks try to comfort them but they're lonely just the same 

The solace found in pen and ink is intoxicating 

I'm addicted and the flow is coming to stop 

Eventually this dependent body is going to give 

And I am sorry but you can't help 

Because you never could

This ending is scary 

It's staying up laying in bed for two hours scary 

It's veering into oncoming traffic scary

It's white knuckles 

It's my dog listening 

It's me losing hair scary 

But I'm 17 

I shouldn't be bald

So if you all might stick around a while longer

Just for me 

I might not become so estranged to normality

And when she dies

I will die too

Because she was a great dancer 

And little did I know 

She was wrapping a rope around my heart the whole time  

The ignorance

The brier ridden path runs red with blood
Each persons trek; a life of cuts and pain
Some scars become covered by the thick mud
Others protrude outward, no two marks prove the same

In life and paths the same
Horse blinders cover the grief in others eyes
A way of proving interest in others rather than some cordial game
Each persons trial another beautiful constellation in the skye

Michaels mother died of cancer a year ago
His sad complection will fade away slow
Rachael's dad relieves stress in the form of Friday night fights
Her bruised arms turn yellow and purple in the dim light

Every day brings a new sun to burn our skin
No sun lotion yet proven sufficient protection
Interactions grow cold and harsh with friends and kin
All their faces grow dark in a display of lonely complection

When the day grows grey from the all around
Try to stand a bit taller and bear your chest high
Remember a short memory is better than an angry tongue bound
Aspire to the mountain peaks and allow your open wings to fly

Though sadness may proliferate our every day
Tie the pony tail to your belt
So that way
You can't look down

Let Me Check My Schedule

Let me check my schedule
I know you need this
And know they are just words on a screen
But I also know that it's been three days since the bottle was opened
And three days since the white and purple capsules danced down my throat

It's been two years of me listening and not enough of me talking
It's been three months of me wondering and you throwing me in the microwave cause it makes my thoughts quieter

I know you need this
But this condescending tone you have is really hurting me
My head seems heavy and my pillow says the same
The one who always supports me is

Gone

They were never here
They would rather be in china occupying the streets because they are 55 and haven't seen enough of the world
But that's what they do for a living

It's been 17 years since I found love
And I don't know that I like playing hide and seek anymore
It's been four months and she's still to small
But you can't just draw the pounds back on
It's been two days and I still remember the smell of his jacket and how it made me sick
It's been two terms and I never want to lose another one

It's been one month

One month of crispy cheeks and wet palms
One moth of raking leaves and solemn talks
One moth of me wondering what I could've done
One moth of me avoiding certain situations
One moth too long to try and keep walking on broken ankles
One month too short to try and wrap myself around this

It's been one month since I was up in that tree with a rope in my bag and space below
It's been two weeks since my mind was blown
And three since I found out I still have a brain

It's been three weeks since we last really talked and I still don't know what to think so I don't at all
It's been four days since we didn't talk at all and that's too many
It's been 45 minutes since you texted me last and I need to stop counting
I am just worried I'll find more crippling text on this glowing rectangle
Which is somehow drawing me towards the outlets
It's been days and days and I'm still lost but I don't know that I want to be found

I know you need this but my calendar is quite full
It's empty of the things I want
But I'm a teenager so I guess I don't know what's best

I know you need this
But right now
I need it more

A Minuscule Memorial For A Mangled Memory

I remember the incessant sound of my voice pervading the air 

I couldn't help it because I was so incredibly nervous

I remember the look of fear and caution on your face as your eyes danced all around mine 

But never locked onto the eyes of my own

I remember reading your blog post

And the feeling of each word building up in my throat 

And as I was turning blue form the suffocating letters I couldn't help but wonder if it was about me

I remember so badly wanting to ask you

But I remember the fear so much more

My fingers remember the top of your head and every strand of hair they combed through

They remember the vibrations on your skull from the violent headaches within 

I remember how I put you to sleep and even though I couldn't talk to you I was happy 

Because this was the calmest I'd seen your body in ages 

I remember the first time my father left on business  

I thought he would never come back 

Because the day before I remember my mother slapping him 

And the mark on his cheek

I remember than every time I walk through the living room where it happened 

I remember I was your guardian 

I remember you were self-proclaimed invincible and sent me into early retirement

But you never would have known that you were my guardian more so 

And know I don't know what to do 

I outlived my savings

I remember riding the scoop of the bobcat my father rented 

I remember I would learn how to drive one someday

I remember why I come back home as I wrap my face in the pink blanket of my fathers 

I named it nostalgia 

And it smells like my dad 

I remember never wanting to talk again

And I remember you there 

Then suddenly I wasn't a mute 

I remember the incandescent light in your smile 

And how it was more than enough to last me for the day 

I remember trying to find light bulbs labeled "smile light" but they all said LED or some other worthless word 

I remember my bright red knees from kneeling at the toilet for hours

And I remember the smell of my innards in the air

I remember hiking horsetail falls in the snow 

Clad in short shorts and nate feet

And I remember the feeling leaving my feet

I remember the elderly gentleman I passed on my way up the canyon

I remember the thumbs up he gave me because I had my dog in the cab of my truck 

And somehow I can't help but think he used to do that on his bad days too 

And I remember his smile transferred on to my drooping visage 

I remember late curfews caused by the first lie I could think of

I remember when my brother didn't come home for a few days and wondering how early his curfew would be the next night 

I remember monsters under the bed and blankets made into armor from whatever lye in my closet

I remember dates 

Important days 

Trips with girls 

And shriveled mystery fruits  

I remember how we were going to fall in love 

But you don't 

Raw

Now it's less about what I feel
And more about what I don't feel

I couldn't tell you about that though
Not only because you would be too focused to listen
But because I don't know if I am ready
When I address those things that taunt me
In not sure if they will pull me down to their pit
And believe me it's deep
It's dark
And the walls are slick



I have never felt less...
Less full
It's like everyone is a vacuum and I am the dirtiest rug they can find
But these vacuums clean with blades of little discretion
Like rusty old blades
But they are actually lips and tongues that form harsh words
I'm too focused on tying up my leaking arms to be that perfect flat surface

It's funny because I always revert to a mentality that I swore I would never assume
No matter how many times the mirror tells me
I'm strong
It still seems fake

People ask if I am okay
I hate lying but I feel like it's okay to lie when they lie first
I can tell
There's a difference between
"How are you?"
And saying nothing at all
But just holding me still
Because I shake
I create seismic activity but somehow I'm still here
Must be from all the glue I have huffed trying to escape


And you all love pond day because it's an adventure
But I couldn't stop crying
Since November 5th I have been terrified
So very entranced by that which I swore I would never do
And that's why I never want to be alone
Because trees grow ropes and they seem like a good place to rest

People have things to do and Netflix to watch
I have seen the movie "my ceiling" enough times that even the foot tall candles have gone to sleep
But I won't interrupt your porn
Even though you told me I could wait on you
I'm waiting

Still waiting

And it's not working
I have just wasted a lot of time

And I don't really know what to wait for

School has become a wood chipper
It's too bad trees are my favorite
It's really too bad
I have managed to make it this far only losing my arms, a leg, and all my personality
Those teeth in the chipper come in forms of do's and don'ts
And my hair
Well it's my hair
Somehow that tooth was broken
And I have the kid who died kicking and screaming to thank for that
Because he knew that even if he didn't make it, one day enough teeth would break, enough that some poor soul could slip through just perfectly to come out with a head and heart
Just enough space to squeeze a personality into
And not the ones you but at the dollar store

I feel bad for these pages
They now have all the angst and rage I had about 43 minutes ago
And somehow I know the kicking boy gave them to me
So it's alright that they feel sad now
Because it's their turn
And every reading eye will ease their burden until the pain dissipates into a thin blanket covering the whole earth
But it's easy to lift
The skyscrapers do most of the work

So going back to feelings and what I have and don't have
You can measure that by the colour of my jacket I wear
And how many days in a row it has been

I Think I Hate You

 

 

I hate you because I can't afford a transplant

You made me take her out to the movies

And you knew that was my last penny

 

 

I hate you because you made me love her

I knew she was bad news 

But your ignorance caused you to tell me you
"felt something"

That's just adrenaline

You don't know the difference 

 

 

I hate you because you're a mousetrap

I am so careful with you 

And you bite me every time

I have the broken fingers to show for it

 

 I hate you because you make me cry and lash out

You won't tell me why you torture me

Because you're a heart

You can't talk

And that's a good thing

Because I know I would hate what you would say 

 

 

I hate you because you've hardened 

To the point where every time you pump you crack 

Break apart

And that hurts me too 

Not that you care 

 

 

I hate you because I don't understand you 

And I don't want to 

Because if I did 

Sundays would be filled with more trips to the Emergency Room 

And there would be far less pens 

 

 

I hate you because you are so distant

Always off chasing some fantasy 

And if you knew how many people have left me 

Maybe you would stick around more

And maybe I wouldn't choke you to death because of my pain 

 

 

I hate you because that's easy

And I haven't had that in a while

 

 

I hate you because it keeps me safer

 

 

I hate you because your tear smeared the ink
Now I can't read that last line

I know it was good 

 

 

I hate you so much and I wish you would hate me back 

Then we would have something to talk about
Then I could feel something from you
Then we could have one thing in common

 

 

I Don't Need To Explain Myselt But I Will

I'll play my music loud so that I won't have to hear the tears running down my cheeks
So that your pity for me won't reach those drums in my head
Those cylinders I walk by but sometimes lose track of because I was always a guitar player and drums were so foreign

So when I trip up and I stumble
Just remember that blood makes things rust too
And the fluid leaking from my head is part blood and part dirt
Dirt from the gardens I never planted
From the walls of the school that push me against the students

They yell at me with their eyes and crush me with their thoughts
All I can think is
"I am sorry you were in my way"
And then I'll slip out into the winter air

I love the cold air because that's the most concrete thing in my life right now
The way my hand goes numb as I hold it out the car window
That's real
None of the empty promises of companionship have ever been fulfilled
Not one
And I am beginning to wonder if it's the person or their feelings that are fake
Or maybe just the whole English language

I write for others but mostly for me
Though my words be made of lead they have never felt less impactful
And I am starting to wonder if the lead would be put to better use in the form of a bullet

In a place with 2,000 human it's still hard to find good company
The company that will laugh for you when your cheeks are too tired
The kind you pay for with the scars on the bottom of your feet

The kind that let's you play your music loud
And knows that your just tired of hearing lies
The kind that will send you headphones on weekends
Because headphones never lie

A place of solitude

Today is the first trip into a new mindset
Riding on two wheels of teenage rebellion and loss of identity the clots in my brain seem to break apart
Allowing a better flow of blood to the dying parts of my mind
The trees all seem to lean in closer to me, almost bowing towards me the further I get into the woods
Like millions of intravenous tubes filling me with the spirits of the forest inhabitants

I was born in a cement building with more technology than open arms
Id like to call the wilderness my real birthplace
Because here I feel like I have been made whole
Because up in the mountains I feel like I actually belong
Away from drive lawn mowers and heated seats
Far from bleeding ears and a lack of earplugs
The only harsh words I hear are the ones my own mind entertains
And lately I have become quite the jester

Trading in my electric stove and running water for clean air and beds made of grass
A bed I can actually get a good nights rest in

I have been walking for five years
Living for three
Dying for eight
And rationalizing everything I have done this past year
Seventeen years of stubbed toes from running into the walls and steel toed boots of others
After all this time I still haven't earned my first aid merit badge

In the wilderness' first dictionary of nature, there exists no word "wall"
Walls were made to keep things away
Out among the stars the only thing that needs to be kept at bay are the evil thoughts dancing in your head
The ones that can only be burned away

Each fire grows a bit brighter
As my conversations become longer and longer the trees become more willing to sacrifice themselves for my warmth
Long lost poems and pictures I've made pay tribute to their kind deeds
Living on in sparks and smoke stained clothes their spirits will never be torched away

In the outdoors one can act deliberately
Whether they choose to live, love, or die
The deer and squirrels have never been known to ostracize

The only judgeful eyes in nature are the ones on the back of your head
The ones who care what others think
The ones not yet cured by the smoke of many fires

Death the Human Dance

People come and go
Gracing us with an opportunity to share in their precious time
It is a sad time when we have to say goodbye
A time filled with red eyes
Quivering lips
Wet handkerchiefs
Open arms and some closed ones too

We don't get to choose how or when people leave
But we can choose how they will be honored
By numbers on our helmets
On mine
By tattoos on out hearts
By ink and tear stained pages
By words uttered to the air where they now sleep

Id like to imagine the hairs on the back of my neck
As monitors to their presence
Id like to imagine each falling leaf a product of their fingers running across this earth
I imagine rain am accumulation of the sorrow they feel
Because maybe some of them are still lonely
Because even death isn't the cure-all we hoped it was

I have empty chairs in my home as an invitation
And that's why I "talk to myself in the library"
It's why I spend so much time on the couch
It's why I keep these resting places clean

Death is something I can't quite say I am acquainted with yet
Despite my more than finger count friends who are

Death is cold
Death is imminent
But I'll dance until it catches me in a faltering step

My feet are still stained black

As we ran through the night
The grass wrapped itself around our feet begging us to linger a little longer
Devils danced behind us
Licking our heels as we laughed because even the most vile creatures seem enticing at times

When you're five minutes late for curfew you might as well stay three hours more
Every passing minute building up a stronger reprimand
But the memories towered higher
In the form of teenage hands climbing onto middle school rooftops
The tar up top coloured our skin black
Darker than than the thoughts I had the night before
Darker than the closet I lock myself in
I watched the figures spin on the ceiling from my baby brothers lamp
Doomed to rotate in a predetermined route
I learned then how to walk with my feet pigeon toed so I could avoid a circular path

Fighting my aching knees from the awkward bend
I looked up and saw you
Knees bent inward
Wincing
But happy to be on a linear path

The tattoos on your arm still trickling blood
They were a statement though
And expensive
Your friends admired the candle design on your shoulder
Sadly the dim light burner brighter than their smiles
Brighter than your red swollen eyes after your dad told you how to be a better daughter
He calls it looking out for you
He calls it constructive
I call it a drunken state of discontent from a wasted life
I call it a six pack on his breath

So when you look at your tattoos and remember a few years before
When you want to relive the childhood adventures
I'll be waiting on the top of our middle school with a pair of warm clothes and a magic eraser to clean you up

I am afraid

I am afraid arthritis will take home in my fingers
Through the chain link fence in elementary school she told me that I popped my knuckles too much
I am afraid that one day I will be sitting at a table full of bills, papers, and envelopes
Forced to look her in the eye and tell her my pockets are empty
That we're losing the house and the dogs that the kids loved so much
I am afraid that one day I will be too quiet
Never speaking out and that may cost me or someone a few fingers
I am afraid of going on long car rides because I never know if she's just being friendly or if she's in to me
The way my mind races at speeds faster than I can react to the winding road makes me fear I'll crash, killing us both and I'll never know what she was thinking, never
I am afraid I am stuck in the high speed setting on a washing machine with the door locked shut but I wouldn't know because I am the one who crawled in
I am used to the head banging on the sides and the soap in my eyes, if I stay in here any longer it will kill me
I am so afraid of what lyes outside though
I am afraid that my siblings won't speak to me once I'm gone because I didn't know how to communicate with them
Their favorite part of me was my ability to drive them away from home
I am afraid of my drivers license and the power that gives me
I don't want to have
I am afraid if I don't figure out how to control all these emotions they will control me
But maybe they already are

I wish I had power lines in my backyard

Like Angus and Julia I want a mangoe tree in my backyard
I heard you like mangoes
Maybe you would come over and we could read books together in the cool shade

One time I thought I might try to talk with you
Your ears were as clogged as my sisters sink
Your eyes as sharp as the knife that left the half inch scar on my right index finger
But I heard you are a nice girl
I have heard a lot if things

If I had a computer for every time I ran through how I could approach you, I could be the CEO of Microsoft

But trees are weird now and it's all about power lines and cell phones
I don't have your number
That makes me non existent

I'll keep doing my math homework and never ask you questions on how to do things
I know that's not my place
You sit under the knight

You sit under the night
But not with me

An early onset of winter depression

When the tree leaves have fallen and the bitter cold comes around
I am going to need someone to hold my feet sure in the ground
In a season of fires and blankets to share
I wander around clueless with no emotions to bare

As the trees undress themselves barren beaches are all that's left
They stick out sore and crude like the hole in my chest
And the giants in my heart once occupied my time
Have all gone away and died leaving in my heart a black grime
Their bodies decomposing and rotten
The stench flows through the new wounds I have gotten

Through the time and temperature changes my body fails to adjust
And I too like the giants will soon turn into dust
Like the leaves on the ground and the hole in my heart
October brings about feelings of being ripped apart
At both home and at school faced by a great divide
Both parties petition me in an effort to decide

If friends were true and families molded as together
I would never have to choose between  staying inside or battling the cold weather

Biography

The optical spheres in your head
Generous, with the time they spend connecting to mine
I thought time wasn't taken, given, created, or destroyed
But every time you send a package the clock stops just for me

Your hands a source of vast intellect
Symbols and gestures of endless subtlety but so profound
They knew just how to position themselves
So that mine might join them in conversation when we got scared
And lonely
And happy
Tired
Sad

Fingers more careful than the hands of an angry father
The words they spell on my back reassure me I'm not completely illiterate
The way they run through the forest on my head creates a drug more potent than any handful of Advil PM
Or whatever the kids are using these days

The ways your toes cringe allow me to know your exact thought process through our most silent conversations
Inward usually means you're nervous and I hate that but it's cute too
Curling up and I know I either need to tuck you in or talk about something actually interesting

No matter how bushy your eyebrows, they tell me about all your anxieties
Each curve and contour has a story to tell
The way they dance across your face when you smile
Or keep me in check with a downward glare

Your earring racks prove so patient
I've been told I mumble
And the hearing aids I bought you don't even work
It's hard to know what I am saying through the numb lips and dull sense of humor
Somehow you've managed to dissect my dialogue and retain the most important parts

Lungs
I'm not sure if you have those anymore from all the screaming you've done
If you do I know they would be strong just like the rest of you

A wet heart reminds you it's there just as my incessant text messages and phone calls do
When your tongue dries up at night because it's allergy season
You wake up not sure if it's still there
Your wet heart provides texture in an assurance of it's residency
It provides assurance I'm not completely gone
Like brail I have left my mark on it
Both good and bad

Nosey as you are you're sense of smell is more keen than a hungry teenage boys
Smelling out my doubts and fears
Insecurities and opinions
I always thought you were a mind reader but I just haven't bought strong enough cologne to cover up my emotions