I Don't Need To Explain Myselt But I Will

I'll play my music loud so that I won't have to hear the tears running down my cheeks
So that your pity for me won't reach those drums in my head
Those cylinders I walk by but sometimes lose track of because I was always a guitar player and drums were so foreign

So when I trip up and I stumble
Just remember that blood makes things rust too
And the fluid leaking from my head is part blood and part dirt
Dirt from the gardens I never planted
From the walls of the school that push me against the students

They yell at me with their eyes and crush me with their thoughts
All I can think is
"I am sorry you were in my way"
And then I'll slip out into the winter air

I love the cold air because that's the most concrete thing in my life right now
The way my hand goes numb as I hold it out the car window
That's real
None of the empty promises of companionship have ever been fulfilled
Not one
And I am beginning to wonder if it's the person or their feelings that are fake
Or maybe just the whole English language

I write for others but mostly for me
Though my words be made of lead they have never felt less impactful
And I am starting to wonder if the lead would be put to better use in the form of a bullet

In a place with 2,000 human it's still hard to find good company
The company that will laugh for you when your cheeks are too tired
The kind you pay for with the scars on the bottom of your feet

The kind that let's you play your music loud
And knows that your just tired of hearing lies
The kind that will send you headphones on weekends
Because headphones never lie