I am afraid

I am afraid arthritis will take home in my fingers
Through the chain link fence in elementary school she told me that I popped my knuckles too much
I am afraid that one day I will be sitting at a table full of bills, papers, and envelopes
Forced to look her in the eye and tell her my pockets are empty
That we're losing the house and the dogs that the kids loved so much
I am afraid that one day I will be too quiet
Never speaking out and that may cost me or someone a few fingers
I am afraid of going on long car rides because I never know if she's just being friendly or if she's in to me
The way my mind races at speeds faster than I can react to the winding road makes me fear I'll crash, killing us both and I'll never know what she was thinking, never
I am afraid I am stuck in the high speed setting on a washing machine with the door locked shut but I wouldn't know because I am the one who crawled in
I am used to the head banging on the sides and the soap in my eyes, if I stay in here any longer it will kill me
I am so afraid of what lyes outside though
I am afraid that my siblings won't speak to me once I'm gone because I didn't know how to communicate with them
Their favorite part of me was my ability to drive them away from home
I am afraid of my drivers license and the power that gives me
I don't want to have
I am afraid if I don't figure out how to control all these emotions they will control me
But maybe they already are