Raw

Now it's less about what I feel
And more about what I don't feel

I couldn't tell you about that though
Not only because you would be too focused to listen
But because I don't know if I am ready
When I address those things that taunt me
In not sure if they will pull me down to their pit
And believe me it's deep
It's dark
And the walls are slick



I have never felt less...
Less full
It's like everyone is a vacuum and I am the dirtiest rug they can find
But these vacuums clean with blades of little discretion
Like rusty old blades
But they are actually lips and tongues that form harsh words
I'm too focused on tying up my leaking arms to be that perfect flat surface

It's funny because I always revert to a mentality that I swore I would never assume
No matter how many times the mirror tells me
I'm strong
It still seems fake

People ask if I am okay
I hate lying but I feel like it's okay to lie when they lie first
I can tell
There's a difference between
"How are you?"
And saying nothing at all
But just holding me still
Because I shake
I create seismic activity but somehow I'm still here
Must be from all the glue I have huffed trying to escape


And you all love pond day because it's an adventure
But I couldn't stop crying
Since November 5th I have been terrified
So very entranced by that which I swore I would never do
And that's why I never want to be alone
Because trees grow ropes and they seem like a good place to rest

People have things to do and Netflix to watch
I have seen the movie "my ceiling" enough times that even the foot tall candles have gone to sleep
But I won't interrupt your porn
Even though you told me I could wait on you
I'm waiting

Still waiting

And it's not working
I have just wasted a lot of time

And I don't really know what to wait for

School has become a wood chipper
It's too bad trees are my favorite
It's really too bad
I have managed to make it this far only losing my arms, a leg, and all my personality
Those teeth in the chipper come in forms of do's and don'ts
And my hair
Well it's my hair
Somehow that tooth was broken
And I have the kid who died kicking and screaming to thank for that
Because he knew that even if he didn't make it, one day enough teeth would break, enough that some poor soul could slip through just perfectly to come out with a head and heart
Just enough space to squeeze a personality into
And not the ones you but at the dollar store

I feel bad for these pages
They now have all the angst and rage I had about 43 minutes ago
And somehow I know the kicking boy gave them to me
So it's alright that they feel sad now
Because it's their turn
And every reading eye will ease their burden until the pain dissipates into a thin blanket covering the whole earth
But it's easy to lift
The skyscrapers do most of the work

So going back to feelings and what I have and don't have
You can measure that by the colour of my jacket I wear
And how many days in a row it has been