A Minuscule Memorial For A Mangled Memory

I remember the incessant sound of my voice pervading the air 

I couldn't help it because I was so incredibly nervous

I remember the look of fear and caution on your face as your eyes danced all around mine 

But never locked onto the eyes of my own

I remember reading your blog post

And the feeling of each word building up in my throat 

And as I was turning blue form the suffocating letters I couldn't help but wonder if it was about me

I remember so badly wanting to ask you

But I remember the fear so much more

My fingers remember the top of your head and every strand of hair they combed through

They remember the vibrations on your skull from the violent headaches within 

I remember how I put you to sleep and even though I couldn't talk to you I was happy 

Because this was the calmest I'd seen your body in ages 

I remember the first time my father left on business  

I thought he would never come back 

Because the day before I remember my mother slapping him 

And the mark on his cheek

I remember than every time I walk through the living room where it happened 

I remember I was your guardian 

I remember you were self-proclaimed invincible and sent me into early retirement

But you never would have known that you were my guardian more so 

And know I don't know what to do 

I outlived my savings

I remember riding the scoop of the bobcat my father rented 

I remember I would learn how to drive one someday

I remember why I come back home as I wrap my face in the pink blanket of my fathers 

I named it nostalgia 

And it smells like my dad 

I remember never wanting to talk again

And I remember you there 

Then suddenly I wasn't a mute 

I remember the incandescent light in your smile 

And how it was more than enough to last me for the day 

I remember trying to find light bulbs labeled "smile light" but they all said LED or some other worthless word 

I remember my bright red knees from kneeling at the toilet for hours

And I remember the smell of my innards in the air

I remember hiking horsetail falls in the snow 

Clad in short shorts and nate feet

And I remember the feeling leaving my feet

I remember the elderly gentleman I passed on my way up the canyon

I remember the thumbs up he gave me because I had my dog in the cab of my truck 

And somehow I can't help but think he used to do that on his bad days too 

And I remember his smile transferred on to my drooping visage 

I remember late curfews caused by the first lie I could think of

I remember when my brother didn't come home for a few days and wondering how early his curfew would be the next night 

I remember monsters under the bed and blankets made into armor from whatever lye in my closet

I remember dates 

Important days 

Trips with girls 

And shriveled mystery fruits  

I remember how we were going to fall in love 

But you don't