An Incredibly Biased But Accurate Autobiography

I am the kid who always appears angry in the halls

It's because I am thinking

About him and her and me and probably you too 

I'm just asleep behind the glassy eyes

Wrinkled forehead

And slanted eyebrows 

So please please wake me up 

I still raise my hands when I go over speedbump's because it lets me know I'm still trying

And love, in times like these all you can do is try 

I have the hardest time dealing with myself 

All I want to do is take care of every student at Lone Peak

Because everyone deserves to have their eyes wrinkle from a smile 

Everyone deserves to feel the sun in their chest

But I am too scared to try and talk to the "cool kids"

And it's hard because I know some of them need it 

And I have never made it to student council so somehow I feel ineligible to talk to strangers 

I'm the kid who lays in bed with my phone flashlight on because I am scared of what's in my closet 

And I am also hoping the bottom of the top bunk will tell me how to solve it all 

But nothing has come yet

I'm the kid who wears too many layers 

And I am sorry if that bothers you 

But there is something about having my coat collar zipped all the way up 

Something in the way it holds me 

And I actually feel safe 

Safe from the yelling

The hate

The eyes 

And especially the emotion 

Plus it covers my acne 

It makes me feel like a sore thumb in alpine 

"land of the perfect"

I don't make eye contact because it scares the hell out of me

I hate to swear but that's the only way I can explain it 

Girls scare me

So badly

They are like ISIS 

I don't really know what they are about

But I know they are powerful 

I always try to hug and kiss my siblings

They sadly push me away every time cause that's "gross" and "we're too old to kiss on the cheek"

But to me, cheeks are the most loving

Cause they catch all the tears of sadness

I am a failure at expressing my emotions any other way than tickling your ear and grabbing your fingers 

Sorry 

I'm sorry I bug you 

I won't tell you the real reason I wear rings 

Firstly because I don't want to

Secondly because you don't care

Thirdly I have trust issues that stemmed from childhood betrayal 

And fourthly because it's simply too personal 

I am hypochondriatic which is a problem

Because my eyes keep hurting and that means I probably have a growth on the back of them 

Which in turn means I can't read your posts 

And a trip to the hospital is useless because it's too late to save me 

And this paper cut

Could be an open vessel for Ebola which my dad may have 

He travels 200 days of the year for business

So maybe he cheats on my mom

And perhaps this stomach ache of mine is actually acid erosion

And there is no way that is rain tapping on my window 

It's definitely a burglar 

So even though I'm 17 and it's 2:00 AM

Dad your coming to my room 

Maybe I'm overthinking things 

Probably not 

I read poetry in class as often as I can but before I go you'll see me check my pulse

It's at about 190

And there are football players in my class

And I have never had so many eyes on me 

Which is what everyone seems to want

I ably want to bloodshot ones

Cause those are the ones who actually care

And don't judge me 

I wish I could have been as great as the top five writers 

But that's one of my greatest problems 

I'll never measure up

It seems I write my best poetry in my sleep/dreams

But my mind isn't s pen and pad

Like theirs is 

Which leads me to describe the kid I am who has absolutely no self confidence 

I only post first drafts because I feel like anything else is not raw enough

Not real enough 

I'm painfully shy and people think I am mean

Which makes me sad

I'm a lost writer 

I'm an emotional wreck

I'm an older brother 

And proud of that

I'm feeding plants and dogs so one day I'll be ready for kids

But not any time soon

They would have days of hunger at least twice a week 

I'm quirky and i want the whole world to know

Because I am proud to be me 

And if any of you were patient enough to read this whole thing I congratulate you

You'll need to exercise that virtue a bit longer 

And to those who skipped down from the top

I hope one day you'll write and read with the same vigor you eat and breathe with 

Because when you get there 

You'll understand why my posts are so long

-Alice S.