I Do Hear You Fight

I can tell its been a rough week 

My socks told me through their gaping holes

And my toes are raw from 

Curling

Curling 

Curling

Every time I hear them fight through the bookshelf

I never touch those novels 

Surely they are infested with every word of malice that passed through them

Each book a conduit of crude language

Each page stained with words most would regret saying

But regret is not welcomed in my sad home

Apoligies are non existent

The temperature is never right in my house 

But my thermostat works fine

Somehow it's my moms fault it's always "broken"

Perhaps if you opened your damn eyes you could see that you are wearing three jackets

Dinner isn't cooked which means the ear plugs are coming out of their box

A note on the fridge lets my "parents" know I've gone on a walk

When really, I lay down in my bed

Frantically searching my brain for every recipe I could ever remember

Remembering is hard when you purge it every night

And Bulimia is a common practice in my home

Perhaps that's the cause of the wretched smell

It's either new socks or bare feet

Too many broken 

Glasses 

Hearts 

Promises

Line the floor 

Every step would cut my tender feet

And as I get the courage to walk through it all

Walk to freedom 

I realize I am already on my way to the store

To buy more of the stupid socks 

 

An Incredibly Biased But Accurate Autobiography

I am the kid who always appears angry in the halls

It's because I am thinking

About him and her and me and probably you too 

I'm just asleep behind the glassy eyes

Wrinkled forehead

And slanted eyebrows 

So please please wake me up 

I still raise my hands when I go over speedbump's because it lets me know I'm still trying

And love, in times like these all you can do is try 

I have the hardest time dealing with myself 

All I want to do is take care of every student at Lone Peak

Because everyone deserves to have their eyes wrinkle from a smile 

Everyone deserves to feel the sun in their chest

But I am too scared to try and talk to the "cool kids"

And it's hard because I know some of them need it 

And I have never made it to student council so somehow I feel ineligible to talk to strangers 

I'm the kid who lays in bed with my phone flashlight on because I am scared of what's in my closet 

And I am also hoping the bottom of the top bunk will tell me how to solve it all 

But nothing has come yet

I'm the kid who wears too many layers 

And I am sorry if that bothers you 

But there is something about having my coat collar zipped all the way up 

Something in the way it holds me 

And I actually feel safe 

Safe from the yelling

The hate

The eyes 

And especially the emotion 

Plus it covers my acne 

It makes me feel like a sore thumb in alpine 

"land of the perfect"

I don't make eye contact because it scares the hell out of me

I hate to swear but that's the only way I can explain it 

Girls scare me

So badly

They are like ISIS 

I don't really know what they are about

But I know they are powerful 

I always try to hug and kiss my siblings

They sadly push me away every time cause that's "gross" and "we're too old to kiss on the cheek"

But to me, cheeks are the most loving

Cause they catch all the tears of sadness

I am a failure at expressing my emotions any other way than tickling your ear and grabbing your fingers 

Sorry 

I'm sorry I bug you 

I won't tell you the real reason I wear rings 

Firstly because I don't want to

Secondly because you don't care

Thirdly I have trust issues that stemmed from childhood betrayal 

And fourthly because it's simply too personal 

I am hypochondriatic which is a problem

Because my eyes keep hurting and that means I probably have a growth on the back of them 

Which in turn means I can't read your posts 

And a trip to the hospital is useless because it's too late to save me 

And this paper cut

Could be an open vessel for Ebola which my dad may have 

He travels 200 days of the year for business

So maybe he cheats on my mom

And perhaps this stomach ache of mine is actually acid erosion

And there is no way that is rain tapping on my window 

It's definitely a burglar 

So even though I'm 17 and it's 2:00 AM

Dad your coming to my room 

Maybe I'm overthinking things 

Probably not 

I read poetry in class as often as I can but before I go you'll see me check my pulse

It's at about 190

And there are football players in my class

And I have never had so many eyes on me 

Which is what everyone seems to want

I ably want to bloodshot ones

Cause those are the ones who actually care

And don't judge me 

I wish I could have been as great as the top five writers 

But that's one of my greatest problems 

I'll never measure up

It seems I write my best poetry in my sleep/dreams

But my mind isn't s pen and pad

Like theirs is 

Which leads me to describe the kid I am who has absolutely no self confidence 

I only post first drafts because I feel like anything else is not raw enough

Not real enough 

I'm painfully shy and people think I am mean

Which makes me sad

I'm a lost writer 

I'm an emotional wreck

I'm an older brother 

And proud of that

I'm feeding plants and dogs so one day I'll be ready for kids

But not any time soon

They would have days of hunger at least twice a week 

I'm quirky and i want the whole world to know

Because I am proud to be me 

And if any of you were patient enough to read this whole thing I congratulate you

You'll need to exercise that virtue a bit longer 

And to those who skipped down from the top

I hope one day you'll write and read with the same vigor you eat and breathe with 

Because when you get there 

You'll understand why my posts are so long

-Alice S. 

Vertigo

I hate endings like I hate the hangnails on my every finger

Like I hate the way he looks at here with a sadistic Cheshire smile

And this night feels a bit empty 

Not only because the incongruences in word and action have let me fallow

But because my shoes don't have feet to put in them

And my socks try to comfort them but they're lonely just the same 

The solace found in pen and ink is intoxicating 

I'm addicted and the flow is coming to stop 

Eventually this dependent body is going to give 

And I am sorry but you can't help 

Because you never could

This ending is scary 

It's staying up laying in bed for two hours scary 

It's veering into oncoming traffic scary

It's white knuckles 

It's my dog listening 

It's me losing hair scary 

But I'm 17 

I shouldn't be bald

So if you all might stick around a while longer

Just for me 

I might not become so estranged to normality

And when she dies

I will die too

Because she was a great dancer 

And little did I know 

She was wrapping a rope around my heart the whole time  

The ignorance

The brier ridden path runs red with blood
Each persons trek; a life of cuts and pain
Some scars become covered by the thick mud
Others protrude outward, no two marks prove the same

In life and paths the same
Horse blinders cover the grief in others eyes
A way of proving interest in others rather than some cordial game
Each persons trial another beautiful constellation in the skye

Michaels mother died of cancer a year ago
His sad complection will fade away slow
Rachael's dad relieves stress in the form of Friday night fights
Her bruised arms turn yellow and purple in the dim light

Every day brings a new sun to burn our skin
No sun lotion yet proven sufficient protection
Interactions grow cold and harsh with friends and kin
All their faces grow dark in a display of lonely complection

When the day grows grey from the all around
Try to stand a bit taller and bear your chest high
Remember a short memory is better than an angry tongue bound
Aspire to the mountain peaks and allow your open wings to fly

Though sadness may proliferate our every day
Tie the pony tail to your belt
So that way
You can't look down

Let Me Check My Schedule

Let me check my schedule
I know you need this
And know they are just words on a screen
But I also know that it's been three days since the bottle was opened
And three days since the white and purple capsules danced down my throat

It's been two years of me listening and not enough of me talking
It's been three months of me wondering and you throwing me in the microwave cause it makes my thoughts quieter

I know you need this
But this condescending tone you have is really hurting me
My head seems heavy and my pillow says the same
The one who always supports me is

Gone

They were never here
They would rather be in china occupying the streets because they are 55 and haven't seen enough of the world
But that's what they do for a living

It's been 17 years since I found love
And I don't know that I like playing hide and seek anymore
It's been four months and she's still to small
But you can't just draw the pounds back on
It's been two days and I still remember the smell of his jacket and how it made me sick
It's been two terms and I never want to lose another one

It's been one month

One month of crispy cheeks and wet palms
One moth of raking leaves and solemn talks
One moth of me wondering what I could've done
One moth of me avoiding certain situations
One moth too long to try and keep walking on broken ankles
One month too short to try and wrap myself around this

It's been one month since I was up in that tree with a rope in my bag and space below
It's been two weeks since my mind was blown
And three since I found out I still have a brain

It's been three weeks since we last really talked and I still don't know what to think so I don't at all
It's been four days since we didn't talk at all and that's too many
It's been 45 minutes since you texted me last and I need to stop counting
I am just worried I'll find more crippling text on this glowing rectangle
Which is somehow drawing me towards the outlets
It's been days and days and I'm still lost but I don't know that I want to be found

I know you need this but my calendar is quite full
It's empty of the things I want
But I'm a teenager so I guess I don't know what's best

I know you need this
But right now
I need it more

A Minuscule Memorial For A Mangled Memory

I remember the incessant sound of my voice pervading the air 

I couldn't help it because I was so incredibly nervous

I remember the look of fear and caution on your face as your eyes danced all around mine 

But never locked onto the eyes of my own

I remember reading your blog post

And the feeling of each word building up in my throat 

And as I was turning blue form the suffocating letters I couldn't help but wonder if it was about me

I remember so badly wanting to ask you

But I remember the fear so much more

My fingers remember the top of your head and every strand of hair they combed through

They remember the vibrations on your skull from the violent headaches within 

I remember how I put you to sleep and even though I couldn't talk to you I was happy 

Because this was the calmest I'd seen your body in ages 

I remember the first time my father left on business  

I thought he would never come back 

Because the day before I remember my mother slapping him 

And the mark on his cheek

I remember than every time I walk through the living room where it happened 

I remember I was your guardian 

I remember you were self-proclaimed invincible and sent me into early retirement

But you never would have known that you were my guardian more so 

And know I don't know what to do 

I outlived my savings

I remember riding the scoop of the bobcat my father rented 

I remember I would learn how to drive one someday

I remember why I come back home as I wrap my face in the pink blanket of my fathers 

I named it nostalgia 

And it smells like my dad 

I remember never wanting to talk again

And I remember you there 

Then suddenly I wasn't a mute 

I remember the incandescent light in your smile 

And how it was more than enough to last me for the day 

I remember trying to find light bulbs labeled "smile light" but they all said LED or some other worthless word 

I remember my bright red knees from kneeling at the toilet for hours

And I remember the smell of my innards in the air

I remember hiking horsetail falls in the snow 

Clad in short shorts and nate feet

And I remember the feeling leaving my feet

I remember the elderly gentleman I passed on my way up the canyon

I remember the thumbs up he gave me because I had my dog in the cab of my truck 

And somehow I can't help but think he used to do that on his bad days too 

And I remember his smile transferred on to my drooping visage 

I remember late curfews caused by the first lie I could think of

I remember when my brother didn't come home for a few days and wondering how early his curfew would be the next night 

I remember monsters under the bed and blankets made into armor from whatever lye in my closet

I remember dates 

Important days 

Trips with girls 

And shriveled mystery fruits  

I remember how we were going to fall in love 

But you don't